Part of ME!!! <3

lostinthough07 @ 2005-03-02T18:38:00

2005-03-03T01:50:14Z

dear everyone:
Today in my college prep course we started talking about what drives people to the brink of killing other people or themselves for that matter? is it anger, hatered, jealousy, pain, sadness, hurtfulness{dont know if that is a word or not}, crazy {well arnt we all at one point or another?? i bet}, betrayal, puzzelment, confusion, alone, regretfulness, or is it just a combination of all of these emotions and more running through their head that drives them to the extreme? do they feel like they wont be able to live any longer with out doing something about it? how can someone actually take a gun, a knife or anything sharp and kill themselves or anyone. what drives you to that extreme. do they know that they will never see another day of sunlight, grow old and have children of their own, will never have another kiss {or be kissed for those who havent yet been kissed}, go to another prom {if you havent gone to one or already have attended one}, spend another day just sitting in front of the TV eating junk food and hanging with friend, go to the mall to buy cute clothes in hopes of catching the eye of the guy you like or that likes you, going to the movies and watchin a scary one that scares the shit out of you, getting another mocca frappicino decaf with extra whipp cream and chocolate syrup{for those of us who like those kinds of things} from STARBUCKS!{heck ya man}, having another day at the mall shopping with ur parents or some close friends, eating lunch in the school cafateria and getting in a food fight with some of your friends, flirting with the guy you like {or the girl if your a boy reading this}, tripping and falling down on your face and getting back up just to laugh at your self inspite of embarrassment, not having another day of just hanging out with your friends, or going to another boring/ funny family reunion that reminds you of WW3 {haha}, gettting to talk on the phone with a friend that you havent talked to in a long time or just calling to catch up on gossip from the day, listening to you fav CD and watchin you fav TV show, never getting to drive around in your friends car and falling out of it right on your face{i did that once and it was pretty funny}, haveing another slice of your fav pizza, having another bday party, laughin so hard that you are crying, spending all day just relaxing, laying in your front yard with your friend staring at the sky and talking about everything under the sun, never getting to embarrassas yourself while you laugh all the while, dancing in your front yard and not caring about what everyone thinks, tanning, playing tennis with a friend or your dog, going for a run with some friends, getting to go horseback riding{that is mainly for me}, spending all night talking on the phone with a guy you like or your best friend, there is so many more things you would be missing out on. so what drives you to the point of killing when you know you would be missing out on all this great stuff, stuff you know you love and what to do before you die of old age. isnt there some other way of getting over it without there being death? but to you i guess not, you think it is the end of the world and there is no way around it, but there is!! talk to your friends and get help dont go to the extreme!!! dont take your own life or someone elses, it just isnt fair. think about it....just think about it, let yourself sleep on it and think about it the next day, try and find another way of getting around it WITHOUT death!!! it just seems so extreme, dont let yourself be driven to the extreme!!
well i guess that about wrapps it up. so i guess i will talk to you all later. think about it and let me know what you think about it.
love ya lots
~*~blondie~*~

lostinthough07 @ 2005-02-22T18:44:00

2005-02-22T23:57:41Z

well hey there everyone!!!! long time no talk. there has been a lot of big shit going on in my life, some of it u might not wanna know about or i dont want u to kno about and other stuff that i might tell u about. well first off i have hurt my left foot really badly and i went to the doc n he wrapped it up telling me to come back in a week which ment today. so i went 2day and during that week my right foot began to bother me too. so i told him about it today and he is like well lets get an xray of it and see whats going on. so i got an xray and he is like u have 2 options cuz the muscel in the bottom of both ur feet is inflamed and is in knots. well the options were shots right in the muscel {man that doesnt sound like a hell of a lot of fun} and the other was therapy 2 or 3 times a week {god these options just kept getting better and better dont they??}well i had to pick one or the other. so i picked the shots. oh joy!!! omg i now wish that i had chosen the therapy cuz getting those shots caused to much pain i started crying right then and there. he said my feet would be pretty sore 4 awhile and i was like omg this sucks. and they sure as hell do hurt!!! i feel like crying they hurt so bad.......ahhhhhhh PAIN.........when given an option dont pick the one containing shots..
k well i guess i gotta go my foot is starting to throbb
LOVE U GUYS!!!!! leave me a comment!!!
goldie locks{yah that is my new nick name thanks to a certain someone}

lostinthough07 @ 2005-02-09T16:39:00

2005-02-09T21:55:59Z

~*~*~HEY!!!~*~*~

dont worry i am still alive i just havent had the time to update in a long long long time. my computer has been all screwed up lately so ya. oh god!!! wow this is a great day....haha adg thanks for telling everyone im drunk...totally love ya for that one!! NOT!!! jkjk and omg!! VALENTINES DAY is coming up soon! whoop whoop....well i dont know what else to say so talk to yall soon...later love ya
kelly

happiness.........

2005-02-09T21:37:05Z

today my bestest friend sarah came over and spent the night....we were looking at our yearbooks back from when we went to school together. and started remembering the old memories.....and realized how much everyone has changed from then. it was kinda weird looking back at myself. it seemed so weird. i have changed so much and then sarah and i got on to the topic of happiness......we both realized that there are losts of small things that can make people happy but mostly happiness isnt noticed unless it is the BIG kind of happiness. i dont understand that but whatever, what is there to understand. we dont notice the small things only the big things which is rather sad.
happiness is hard to describe, i guess unless you have REALLY experienced it. i looked it up at urban dictionary just for the heck of it and i thought that the best definition of it was "the ideal that all seek but few find". i think that that is rather true.
well i guess i shall end here. oh and my photo shoot was a NO GO!! which sucked. i am still debating with myself wether i should do it or not. i dont know if i am ready for it but i dont know it is hard to decide. help me out on this people. really could use the help. later love ya lots
kelly

whats new.......

2005-01-06T02:17:13Z

hey!!! omg!! life has been going GREAT and i mean great. nothing has gone wrong. i totally love it. this weekend my band has our FIRST photo shoot , whoop whoop.. fun shtuff man.. totally looking forward to it. and on saturday my best friend {hey hey dont worry all of my friends are my best friends} sarah is coming over!!! yay and spending the night.....
OMG and the most disgusting thing happened to me on monday....I GOT FISHED!!! it was the most disgusting thing ever. i am not joking when i say this. there was litterly a DEAD fish in my front yard!!!! ick!! i had to pick it up.......man i hated it!!! ewww i hope that that NEVER happens again, cuz i wont be picking it up. never ever again. then before i got fished i fell on my deck and skidded across it scraping my ankel and knee all up right before the photos this weekend so now i cant wear my CUTE new skirt which totally sucks. ya well that pretty much wrapps up what has been going on and what is to come....k well later
love ya

my NEW song and what has been going on in MY life!!! fun indeed

2004-12-30T04:00:24Z

here is my new song for my band....oh i dont know if i told you but ya i am in a band {i am the song writer by the way} and you manager is the same a Jessie McCartnie {how ever you spell his name} but ya, is that not cool!! we are so excited and are busy at work creating our demo CD....man i never knew it was so much work writing songs, making a demo and getting a manager but it is all worth it in the end. i love it so much!!! it is great. maybe we will be famous one day {like one in a million chances of that ever happening} but hey it could happen. so that is why i havent updated in like forever, sry about that...i wish i had more time but there is so much going on in my life i have basically NO free time....sry guys...k well here is one of the many songs.....it is called Mistakes

I wont make the same mistakes again

It felt so unbreakable

That nothing could go wrong

But now I cant breathe

I’m barely here

I’m here once again

Torn to pieces

I’ve learned the hard way

No way to tell what’s real

No measurement

I don’t believe what you say

Now I cant breathe

I’m barely here

Once again, alone

You don’t get what you see

Tell me why I should care

It’s already hard enough

Without you doing this to me

Now tell me why I should care

Why should I make this mistake again?

Just tell me one more time why

I can barely breathe

Barely here

Once again

Tell me why

how you liked........let me know what you thought about it. oh and my bday was on the 27th by the way. and thanks a TON you guys who threw my surprise party and to all who came. it was so much fun!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS SOOOO MUCH!!!!!! k well later

love ya oh and ya i got a CELL PHONE!!! whoop whoop

sighs

2004-11-29T00:41:15Z

hey everyone!! yay i am not dead......i just havent had time to update so ya that is why i havent had any new posts. and well there has been nothin really to say that is of interest to you. yesturday my friend sarah came over and spent the night. i havent seen her in such a long time so we were up really later catching up on old memories. it was fun!!! man i missed hanging out with you sarah my sis....oh ya you left you hair brush here hahahaha.oh well....well nothing is really new here except for life and that is nothing new {still as borning and unentertaining as ever}k well here is a little quiz for you to take
later love you lots......oh and i promise to update again soon
kelly
Am I...
- am i cute?
- am i crazy?
- am i lovable?
- am i funny?
- am i annoying?
- am i psycho?
- am i daring?
- am i a good person?
Would you...
- would you hug me?
- would you miss me if i was gone?
- would you kiss me?
- would you listen to my problems?
- would you be a good friend?
- would you be my best friend?
Would you ever...
- would you ever go out with me?
- would you ever marry me if you could?
- would you ever talk bad about me if we ever broke up?
- would you ever make out with me in a cemetery?
- would you ever make out with me in the rain?
- would you ever snuggle with me?
If you could...
- if you could give me a new name, it would be?
- if you could do one thing with me, it would be?
- if you could give me a piece of advice, it would be?
- if you could kidnap me for a day, where would we go?
Just a few questions...
- what do you love about me?
- what do you hate about me?
- what is my best quality?
- if you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
- what is your honest opinion about me?
- what would you do if i sang out of tune?
- what song reminds you of me?
- do i remind you of any characters on tv?
- have you ever had a dream about me?
- do you think i'm a virgin?
- if you just met me, how old would you guess i am?
- am i hug-gable?
- if you could give me anything, what would it be?
- if you could promise me anything, what would it be?
Personal...
- am i ugly, average, decent, good looking, beautiful, ect.?
- if you could describe me in one word, what would that word be?
- when we first met, what were your thoughts?
- if you had to describe to someone who i am and what i am like, what would you tell them?
- what are my faults?
- what are my strengths?
- do you wish we were closer?
- why aren't we closer?

Blue Tears

2004-10-27T00:36:41Z

I just decided to write a poem instead

Blue Tears
She signed the letter with a tear in her eye
    and a saddened sigh
she sealed it with a drop of wax from her eye
    blue is the color of her love for you
never meaning to hurt her is what you said
    the tears in her eyes have all dried up

As he read her letter
   a tear comes to his eye
realizing he had it all
   but he let it go
with a little sigh and a tear in his eye
   he folded up the letter
knowing he should say something more

He starts to write her back
   but the paper just gets torn
time and time again
   her broken heart he's tried to mend
with each letter he sends
   but it never helps

Questioning his own heart
     he tries a fresh start
she looks at him with sad eyes
    trying not to cry
it breaks his heart to see her cry
    over and over again
not knowing what to say when he writes her back
    just handing her a paper with blue tears
the writing all smudged

She reads his letter with an open heart
knowing he wants a fresh start
they blue tears they cried
have all dried

lostinthough07 @ 2004-10-26T17:00:00

2004-10-27T00:21:19Z

I guess you could say I am what people want me to be. I feel as though since i can be so many things, it takes me away from becoming great at just one thing. i dont feel like i am apart of the team anymore. that might come as a huge shock to some of you but whatever....i realized i cant change my feelings toward people. it is useless to try and make them love me when i know that they never really will no matter what i do to please them. even if i act exactly how they want me to and foget about being the real me, it just wont do. i can never seem to please them. i cant make someone love me. to some people it comes easy to and to others, well it just doesnt. some people wont bother to give me a second look. they just dont care, they dont care that i am hurting or that i am sad. it is not their problem so why should they care is what they think. she is just another stupid girl wanting attention. that really hurts when it happens. you realize that you might just be all alone, with noone there to protect you...

"you are either somebody or your not. dont try to be someone your not." these quotes have really affected me. they really make me think why people try and be something they arnt. do they just want to be accepted by everyone else?

i guess all i really need right now is a hug
hanging on to life
<3 kelly

homecominghomecominghomecominghomecominghomecoming!!!!

2004-10-26T00:25:23Z

saturday night was homecoming, indeed it was.
HOMECOMING!!!! ahhh what more can I say! I loved it sooooooo much. it was like the best thing ever!! i had so much fun.like i got to see tons of my friends and got to dance with a couple of upper classmen{that was fun}!!!! but like omg i wish it happened more than once a year. it was tons of fun. i will have to put some pics up once i get them developed or if i dont put them up find me at school and i will show them to you...lalala. it really sucks for you if you didnt go to homecoming. wow it has already come and gone. like i get my nails and hair all done pretty and time just goes flying by. it seems like it is over in a matter of minutes......sadness. but i totally loved it so much and it was so much fun!!i danced with a bunch of my fiends and then some jerk though it would be funny to pour water down my dress and i got so mad!!! i just wanted to slap him, but i didnt of course. but whatever
ok well i gotta split
later everyone!!!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre......ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! scary!!!!

2004-10-17T21:16:01Z

omg!! on friday night i had meg, maria and davion over to watch a movie and eat pizza but davion couldnt comeover {that sucked!!} but anyways meg, maria and i went and rented texas chainsaw massacre!!! omg that movie is the scarriest movie ever! i screamed the whole entire time and meg and maria now make fun of me. they were laughing at me the whole time but i am not joking that was the scarriest movie ever!!! like omg!! my voice was gone by the end of the movie.....it creeped us all out actually not just me!! hahahahahahaha maria the chainsaw man is right behind you!!! LOL!! man that was loads of fun.... then after the movie meg went home i went and spent the night at maria and we stayed up until like 3 watching movies and singing!! it was so much fun.....then we ordered pizza and ate all that and didnt get up until like 12:30 or 1 which was so much fun! then i didnt get back to my house until like 12 at night saturday and today i didnt get up until 12:45 or something like that but it was a great weekend!! *sighs* i wish i didnt have to end
kkwell gotta go
byes love ya
kelly

lostinthough07 @ 2004-10-12T18:06:00

2004-10-12T22:06:46Z

I was sitting thinking about the world today {ya I actually think it isnt just empty space, duh} and I realized that there are only 2 more years of high school before I have to go away for college. that makes me sad. I am going to miss all of my friends...it seems like just yesturday I was a freshman but it has really been a year *sighs* I have so many good memories and I know there will be many more to come but I wish that everything would just slow down. i mean gosh.....it goes by way too fast.
homecoming is coming up soon I think it is on the 23rd....ya it is.......this life can be so randomly beautiful at times too...I found out stuff that I would otherwise not have ever known but that is another story.....wow only 2 more years before college....gosh that is sad.....time sure does go by fast.......oh and PSAT's are tomorrow arg =/.......and omg I think the wether is finally cooling off...yay....
ok later everyone
kelly

sadness

2004-10-08T01:28:33Z

wow today was yet another boring day of school and I came home today to find out that another person that I know died. He had cancer and when I found this out I wasnt that shocked because I knew it would happen oneday but never so soon. maybe it was for the better....*sighs* it caught me so off guard because I had just had that other person that I knew die and I was still getting over that when this happened.....This life can be so ironic and cruel and harsh all at the same time. I mean I know that one day we will all die but GOD!!
shit this year couldnt get much worse. there have been three deaths this year of people/and one pet that I know. first it was my dog, then it was the guy who was in college, and now this. who is next?!?! i am so sad. I pretty much have no tears left to cry and now I will have to go to 2 funerals in a matter of a couple of days. this sucks major ass man!! I dont have any black shirts or pants to wear either so I will have to borrow them from my friends or go out and buy some....sadness.....ok I have to go now the tears have started to come and I can feel myself loosing it........
so I will talk to everyone again
kelly

sighs

2004-10-06T01:25:31Z

i wrote a poem last night and right as i was finishing writing it I found out that someone I knew died. there was an article about his death in the newspaper and when i was reading it i cried. it made me really sad. i didnt know him all that well but, i still knew him and it hurt me that he died. oh well.........here i want to share my new poem with you guys
"Restless Tonight"
we lie here awake
every sound we make keeps everyone awake
restless after the fight
we had tonight
not meaning to hurt one another
but what we told each other was so familiar
there were no lies involved
only truths
every scream
every sigh we make
keeps us all awake
not able to ignore what we said
fiding no comfort in what happened
but knowing it was true
and had to be said
restless tonight
cuz we wasted the night
every roommate knows what happened
acting like its all alright
we see each other
but knowing it was fake
thinking it was all just a dream
a nightmare that wouldnt shake off
the dreams we had
were shattered
broken into little pieces
that night
our fight caused it all
not stopping
but knowing it hurts me
our sighs
our screams
keep up both awake
not forgetting the words we said
in our anger and haste
we forgot it all
just letting it all pour out
restlessness has filled us both
keeping everyone awake
from everymove we make

ya that is it....ok well i gotta go now but i will talk to ya'll later
love yall
kelly

happiness!!!

2004-10-04T01:18:39Z

omg!! today was such a great day!! i dont know why, i didnt really do much of anythng but it was great! i am so hyper today and i dont know why....maybe i had to much chocolate or something...oh well
lets see friday i got to go to the football game and we lost by 4 points, 23 to 27 i think... big surprise! but it was fun cuz i got to hang out with mexican{meg}, ash, caroline a, emily d, and davion and some of the other football player. it was so much fun.....i got to hang out with a bunch of ppl that i dont get to see at school. eyebrows caroline!! hahaha that was so funny. yes davion i do squeal sometimes, lol. man it was so much fun. we prank phone called a person we know and they got mad at us but they dont know it was us and it was so funny!! *laughs* good times......after the game meg came over and spent the night. we stayed up until like 4 watching tv and then we got up at 7 so i could drop off meg and go riding. i had a good ride other and being really sore and sunburnt after ward. then i almost got a puppy but i didnt :( *tears* maybe next time..........ya right what am i thinking.. oh yah and yesturday was my dads b-day! HAPPY B-DAY DAD!!!! haha
man i am bored.......
ok well i am gonna go
later everyone
love ya'll
kelly

lostinthough07 @ 2004-09-30T21:47:00

2004-10-01T01:46:24Z

how do I escape something when I dont even know what it is?
can you ever stop something from happening even when you know it will happen no matter what? you reach to the farthest edges of your strenght and willpower but you are powerless against it. you will it to stop but it just keeps coming, as if it is ignoring what you are telling it to do. there is no way to control it. you and everythought and move you make it controls.
you arent able to avoid it. there are no EXIT signs that will point you how to get away from it. you probaly wish that it hadn't happened and that there was some escape route that you could take.
your willpower is no match for it. I cant stop it from happening and I dont wish it hadn't had to happen but eventually it did and now I dont know what to do. how to act or what to say. do I withdraw into my own little world and become noexistant again? but i dont want to do that agian. the last time i did that i was terribly miserable and very lonely. there was noone to turn to and to talk to. i tried to speak out but it seemed as if no one could hear me. it was if i was in a glass bowl and whateve i said echoed around me but never reached outside the glass. i was feeling trapped in my own world. and it was a very lonely one at that. there was only me here. nobody was there to look to or turn to.
you could long to see another human but that wont happen. you are all alone now facing the world and haveing to deal with you mistakes. having to deal with what the world throws at you alone! it is a very weird feeling. you might wonder if anyone will ever hear you and decide to help you out, but that might not happen so you will have to make it on your own. make your own decisions....
wow ok that was a lot but now i really have to go so i will be talking to everyone later
love ya lots
~kelly

how do I escape something when I dont even know what it is??

2004-10-01T01:44:20Z

drifting

2004-09-30T01:18:48Z

I have noticed myself drifting farther and farther away from my friends, my family, my life and everything that I have ever loved. I dont know why I am drifting away but i just and suddenly and it has caught me off guard which i am not used to. i notice that i dont seem to enjoy the things i used to like {like going to football games} which is rather odd for me.
i dont know why i dont am drifting away but i am and i cant stop. how do you stop something that you dont know what it is or how it has started. what is feeding it....how do you stop it? cant you do anything to prevent it from happening even if you dont know what it is?
why do you drift away from the things you like most when you dont mean to. is there some force drawing you away from the things you like? are you powerless against it and you dont have any willpower to stop it?
how can something like this happen? do you mean for it to happen? i want it all to end... i want to go back to the way things used to be....
cant i stop life and go back in time to have things the way they used to be. but i know the awnser to that question would be a no. which really sucks. i dont want to drift away from everything especially my life but i dont know how to stop it....is there anyway to? does anyone know what i am going through right now....this complete withdrawn of my whole life.
i mean do i go sit somewhere and take apart my whole life piece by piece and see where i went wrong? or do i let my self go into complete withdrawn?? go away from everything that i have ever treasured or held close to my heart?
where is my next move going to take me? will it be the right decision or with it cause me to drift even farther away? who will ever know the awnser until they make the next move and see what happens......
ok well that is all i have to say for now....talk to eveyone later
love ya lots
~kelly

lostinthough07 @ 2004-09-28T21:14:00

2004-09-29T01:13:48Z

ok I decided to write one of my poems in here tonight......hope you like...let me know what you think

"Detour"
I need to escape this life
this hell hole that we live in
my life is just a dead end road
there are no U-Turns or Detours that you can take
no way to escape it all
it is a one way street leading nowhere
every move you make in question
never knowing the outcome of you actions
you dont know which way you are heading
if what decision you made was good or bad
the outcome always in question
if you could take back everything
there would still be a one way street but headed in a different direction
you wont know where you are headed until you get there
there is no escaping anything you did
I know you wish you could
but you cant no matter what
you may try to pull a U-Turn or take a Detour
but you cant
you cant escap you destiny

k well that's it
love ya'll
~kelly

P.S.
Oh ya I had so much fun today....like I got to go shopping with meg and hannah and it was so much fun. we got hit on by 4 different guys and may I add that 2 of them were rather cute....*sighs*. oh ya hannah you are going to work at the teckno {i think that is how you spell it} store and I am going to work at Hot Topic and meg is going to work at the Love Sac store!!! hahahaha great times. that was so much fun today ya'll and I shall say shall hannah and yes meg I did say ya'll!!! hahaha that was so much fun you guys. I dont know if I have ever had as much fun or laughed as hard as I did today!! it was great......sorry to all of you guys who didnt go your really missed out on some fun!! maybe next time...ok well now I really have to go
byes

lostinthough07 @ 2004-09-27T19:47:00

2004-09-27T23:52:29Z

ok here are a few questions for you to awnser:
WOULD YOU:
» Lie to make me feel better?:
» Spread rumors about me?:
» Keep a secret if I told you one?:
» Loan me some cash?:
» Take a bullet for me?:
» Keep in touch?:
» Try and solve my problems?:
» Love me?:
» Date me?:
» Tell me the truth when I didnt want to know it?:
» Lie to me?:
» Tell me if I looked bad?:
» Go out with my boyfriend when I was going out with him?:
» Try to protect me from the truth?:
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I died from suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:
» I got hurt badly:
» I got killed:
» You found out I lied to you:
» My fish attacked me:
» I got in a fight with a friend:

lostinthough07 @ 2004-09-23T21:39:00

2004-09-24T01:38:13Z

GOD!! I hate the world right now....I just got in a huge fight with my dad & I hurt my leg really badly when I was riding so it hurts really badly to move it! so I am pissed off because of that and that my dad called my pig headed {I have no clue what that means} and like my riding lesson totally sucked {I got thrown from the horse}.
NARF!!! I dont know what to do.....who to turn to....who to listen to...what to trust anymore!! I dont understand why this life is so conplicated and why we cant live the way we want! my one major question is WHY!!! like why cant we have what we all want..to some that might be perfection and to others that might be the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend...and yet it might be the perfect friend, parent, song, whatever it might be to you! dont you wish you could have that perfection in your life? I do but I know I will never have it no matter how hard I try. gosh!! I hate it!! I know that I probably should let things between my dad and I rest for a little bit but I cant stop thinking that what he said really really hurt me.........ok well that is about it......I will keep you posted....i really have to go because my vision is blurred from the tears............
love ya'll
~kelly

lostinthough07 @ 2004-09-22T18:21:00

2004-09-22T22:19:59Z

wow I am really depressed!! this is a total shocker!! :(
my parents wouldnt let me to go my first concert tonight because they said since it was a school night that they didnt want me to be out to late!! Damnit!!!my vision has blurred from the tears and on top of all that I was really looking forward to going riding today but then my trainer calls and cancles!!! god can this day get any worse! I bet it can but i really hope it doesnt.....I am really sorry chris that I couldnt go with you to the concert tonight. I really did want to go.....maybe another time.....sorry
Yesturday I decided to write a song and.....well i dont like it but i will put it in here anyway.
It is called "Thanks For Always Being There"

I was stuck inside a broken lie
that wouldn't go away
I thank you now
You gave me all I needed

Never thinking twice
oh I love you now
wish you could see me today

I will always remember you
saving me from my shattered life
never thinking before you helped me

Oh I'm sorry for not being there for you
when you where there for me
I thank you now
for saving me

I was lost in my shattered life
thinking no one would save me
and it would never go away

I have more than anyone should
I thank you now
for giving me what I needed most
wish you could see me now

For everything that happened
is in the past
never to be forgotten
I was livin in a broken life
that wouldn't go away

ok well that is all I have to say for now.....talk to ya'll later
love ya lots
~kelly

DETOUR

2004-09-19T03:23:22Z

i feel as if my life has come to a dead end and there are no u-turns you can pull. there is no way you can turn around and go back or start over again......there is no one there to give you a pat on the shoulder and say good job. there is none of that.......you cant find any comfort in the good things you have done and only misery for all the bad you have done.......you cant take back the things you said and there is no undo button to push. you cant stop something from happening even if you try with all you might to stop it. trust me i have tried that. when you are here all you wish is that you could take back everything good and bad and just start over but wishing that wont help you to take it all back...trust me i have tried..... i am sorry for it all and i cant do anything right no matter how hard i try. i know i might not be as perfect as everyone else and that i might not be like them and i am glad that i am not like them cuz that would be really really boring....it would be the same old shit all day every day and the same thing over and over again...i guess you could say it would be like living one huge big ass lie that you cant get youself out of.......all you wish is for it all to end but it wont. you cant stop the future from happening and you most certainly cant change the past not matter what. i have tried to take back all the bad things that i have done but i know i cant take them all back because then there would be no real me. i would just be what people want me to be and i really dont want to be that. i would be living a lie {which would really suck}. you are like a puppet and God is the puppetteir, he controls you every move, every word that comes out of your mouth, every sin that you commit and he still loves you inspite of it all which is a complete miracle........there is so much more i want to say but i cant say it all now because i have to go to bed but i will finish it tomorrow

Reflection in the mirror

2004-09-15T23:13:29Z

I was sitting in the car with my mom on the way home from publix{i love that store!!!} when i wondered what i was going to be when i grow up.
i mean most people dont think about that yet and some have already found what they will be when they grow up or their special talent but i dont know what i will ever amount to..............i think that all i am good at is socilization and sitting on the couch eating food, hanging out with my friends. i know i shouldnt worry about it now but i cant help it....i dont know what i want to do or what i want to be. i know that my horseback riding will never get me anywhere because my trainer wont put me in more challenging horse shows and i know my art and writting wont get me anywhere because they both suck...i just dont know.........
i know it might seem stupid to worry about it now at such a young age but i cant help it. it was just one of my random thoughts for the day that i thought you might be interested in hearing........
oh yah and i hurt my knee badly yesturday when i was trying to climb down off of my boat when i hit it on something and now i have a huge ass welt on my knee and a scrape that goes half way down my shin...mand i am so ditzy sometimes...i feel like i total loser right now....oh well shit happenes and that is all i can say
k well talk to ya'll later
love ya lots
~kelly

lostinthough07 @ 2004-09-13T16:09:00

2004-09-13T20:08:39Z

if you were to ask me what i did today i would have to tell you i dont remember......the whole day when by in a blurr. i went to all my classes and every teacher was standing up in the front of the room with their mouth moving but now words coming out. i dont know why i couldnt hear what they were saying, maybe i tuned them out since my mind had drifted off to somewhere else. i dont know if the teachers were telling us anything importand and i dont care
my mind had drifted off to another world where there was no teacher talking about nothing, nothing to worry about, nothing to care about.....absoutly nothing. i dont know why i went there but i did. all of these memories from the past coming into my head. bits and pieces of nothing, of no real importance. memories of everything....i dont know the importance of remembering these. i cant describe it really.....maybe someone is trying to tell me something but i cant seem to understand what they are saying.
i had a long talk with my dad last nigh about trying to get another dog and it was really hard for both of up because we still secretly miss Bear so much. i know it really must have hurt my dad to talk about it but lately i have been missing have my dog.....it is hard to describe....i know it was only a few months ago when we had to put our dog down and i should let myself "heal" from that but i just cant....its weird, you know. it is like i am trying to forget him but not really. its hard for me to talk about because it just doesnt seem real to me{that we had to put our dog down}. i know that that is stupid and i dont care.
ok enough with the remembering it is making me sad. some people might say that i have 2 personalities because of this and that is ok because in a way i do.
ok i think that i have written enough for now
love ya'll
~kelly